Monday, 9 January 2012

I'm upset that after such a good day, I've had to take two doses of pills tonight. The pain builds at night, and that's when I'm least able to control it mentally; I can't keep it down without keeping myself awake.

It makes sense, if the pain is rage, that it would flare up at night. That's when my anger has always flared - I worked out a long time ago that it was the reason behind my insomnia.

But it's really hard not to berate myself for taking top-up medication, when earlier on I was able to control the pain fine without the stuff. I feel like I've ruined all my success by giving in tonight. Like I've cancelled it all out.

I need to remember that every minute where the pain is down, is a victory. Before, I was in agony and needing pills all the time; if now it's that bad only at night, that's a huge win. It doesn't take away what I've achieved. And I have to remember this was always going to be a slow process.

It's not about getting off the morphine -though that is a huge desire - its about getting the pain down and being able to function. Being able to work. I could work on morphine - I did before. So if I can get it stabilised enough, I could work even if I were still on the morphine. And getting off it will come.

It's just that I'm desperate to get off the stuff now. Partly because it would take away some of the power I feel the pain clinic have over me, and partly because I just hate the damn stuff.

But mostly I just want the pain to stop. I want to feel in control of my own body: I don't want to feel that my body is my enemy, fighting against me, tripping me up at every turn. But that's how it feels. Like there's a spy, sabotaging everything, but the spy is my own mind. And I'm so fucking angry about that I could shoot someone

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