Monday, 9 January 2012

Things started off badly this morning when the pain was quite bad first thing, but I managed to push it back. I'd still had to cancel a chat with Personnel, though, because I couldn't bear the thought of talking about the last few weeks.

I had to do some chores, out and about, and eventually the shoulder pain flared (in the opticians - they'll get my glasses right eventually I suppose) and I couldn't suppress it, so I had to take some pills.

That immediately lead into more panicking about the pain clinic taking away my pills, the income insurance getting turned down and what's going to be in the letter from that awful nurse.

All afternoon, the pain was bubbling away, with the pills doing little. They made me feel very stoned and out of it, but the pain seemed largely untouched. I tried lying down, but that made things worse, so I gave up.

Then, when I was getting some tea, I was thinking about a friend who has let me down several times recently, and who I suspect is about to do it again. I was imagining (rehearsing) what I'd like to say to her if she does, and the pain suddenly exploded.

It went mad. I couldn't even draw breath. I spent two hours trying to control it mentally, going back through all the notes I've made of tools relating to the various psychological triggers.

The key, of course, were those about abandonment. It was clear that the reason it upsets me so much, is that her letting me down feels like her abandoning me. And she's done it repeatedly, always with the attitude that it's OK to behave that way.

Nothing worked on the pain though, nothing I did made it go down at all. It just kept going and going and going.

Eventually, after two hours, I felt I had no choice but to take something. Given how little it had helped earlier, I took a bigger dose. But it's done fuck all. There's not really any side effects, which is good, but there's not really any pain killing going on either. I'm lying down, but I'm still in pain and I can't move, because then it gets unbearable.

The frightening thing, though, is that this means there'll be no point taking anything later, because I know it won't work. But I also know how bad it's going to be; with how bad it already is, and how much worse it gets at night, it's going to be really really bad.

I don't know what to do. I've tried so hard to get at it the other way. And all the time, I'm still desperately worrying about the pain clinic etc.

It's so frustrating and distressing when the pain is this awful, yet you know it can be OK, because it was yesterday. And yet you're completely fucking helpless to do anything about it.

I suppose the one thing is that if there was any doubt about the 'somatic' nature of my pain, today's episode has well and truly quashed it. The only way the pain could explode on cue like that, and resist medication that at other times has worked effectively, is if it's being created and controlled by my subconscious. My sodding subconscious that's sabotaging my every bloody move. Thank you very fucking much.

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