Thursday 10 March 2011

I'm really scared. The pain kicked off at 3pm and it hasn't let up since, despite endless pills. I can't take any more meds, because the panic attacks are already terrifying, but still the electric shocks are firing through my shoulder, and I don't know what to do.

I don't know how to get through the night. If I get up, if I call someone, the morphine will wear off and then I've got to try and sleep despite the pain. But if I just lie here, I'll go crazy, from the pain and the panic. And now the depression is hiking up too.

When I saw the doctor the other day, we worked out that, because of how slowly you have to change over the pills, it will be a minimum of four weeks before I can hope to see any easing of the depression. But if I don't respond well to the new antidepressant, it could be as much as seven weeks. I've got three more weeks on the Fluoxetine, then it takes a week to ten days for the Lofepramine to start working. If I need a higher dose though, it can be increased twice more, on a weekly basis, each time taking over a week to kick in. So it would be seven weeks before I was on the maximum dose and getting the benefit.

What he'd failed to mention before, probably intentionally, was that you're supposed to leave two to three weeks between stopping the old and starting the new. I freaked out at that - it's bad enough thinking of another four-seven weeks of this, but another two-three on top - no way.

Right now, though, it's not about getting through the next two, three, four or even seven weeks. It's about how it get through the next hour, and then the one after that.

I really really don't want to do this any more.

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