Monday 21 March 2011

Today

Mixed day today.

On the good side, I had a lovely visit from a friend. We didn't really do anything, just chatted, took trip to Tesco and then she did lots of jobs while I was stuck in bed. She's one of my three closest friends, and they all instinctively know how to help; I can ask them to do anything, without feeling guilty.

Everywhere I go in the house now, I find little things that she's noticed needed doing, and just done. Like, she left me some bread rolls, but she'd cut them in half ready for me. I found chopped-up veg in the fridge, the washing's been done and the kitchen sparkles.

These three friends are amazing for the way they recognize what I'm going to need, and doing it, without ever making me feel useless or beholden. Other people, like my mother, try to help, but it feels awkward and forced. It's like they're embarrassed that I need help, and that makes me feel guilty for needing it.

On the negative side today, I've been feeling very stressed and panicked at the thought of work. I know I don't have to go back yet, so I shouldn't really even be thinking about it, but I can't seem to help it. And then I get in a panic in case the doctor won't sign me off again. It's horrible and it's scary.

I know that the very fact I'm feeling this way demonstrates how not-ready I am for going back to work. I've got another week on 20mg Fluoxetine and then the building up of the Lofepramine, so it's going to be a while yet. I really really hope it works.

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