Friday 4 March 2011

I've managed to do some work today, but I feel really weird about everything.

I'm so scared of triggering the pain that I just want to lie in bed, just in case. And I have absolutely no motivation for anything.

I feel guilty for not doing enough, but scared to do more. I'm scared if I put myself in line for even the tiniest bit of pressure, I'll fall apart. So I want to hide. But I feel like such a failure for giving in to it, I'm disgusted with myself.

And what about the next few weeks? I have to see the Personnel manager on Monday, but I don't know what to say to her. I know I've got another 3.5 weeks on 20mg fluoxetine, and then I have to build up the new stuff. So the depression will be bad for weeks more. How am I supposed to cope with work during that time? I don't feel able to work at the moment, but if I don't, what will I do all day long? I don't think the doc will sign me off for that long anyway. And what if the pain stays ad bad as it's been this week?

I'm so confused.

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