After all this time, all she now knows that I went through, right under her nose, as a child, still her first instinct is to view my suffering primarily as some kind of accusation of her failure. And to reject it as such.
I know she feels guilty about what she let my dad do to me as a child; I know that probably means she does view any suffering I experience as being her fault. But I don't suffer pain - physical or emotional - just to make her feel bad for not protecting me
You'd think the guilt would make her more determined to support me now, but when I needed her to sit with me today, and just be there so I didn't feel so alone with the pain, she walked away, physically and emotionally. She said it was too hard to watch me like that, and 'there was nothing she could do anyway'.
So, once again I receive the message that whatever happens, how ever little control I have over it and how ever much it isn't my fault, I still can't be trusted with my mother's absolute, unconditional love - there always has to be a barrier, just to keep her safe.
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