Monday, 24 October 2011

Complex Needs

So, that appointment with the Complex Needs service.

I didn't want to be there, and I went in with a very negative attitude. I've never spoken to a male therapist, and I had no desire to start, but even as I was talking to him, I was telling myself that he couldn't help me if I wasn't up-front with him.

He was very ggod at asking searching questions, and he immediately homed in on my feelings about the many relationships that I feel have been damaged, as a result of the pain, over this last year.

It was a very traumatic appointment, with a lot of hysterical crying. But even as soon as I left, it started to help.

It made me look at my social interactions through a new lens, and as a result, allowed me to understand what's been going on, how I've been feeling, and why.

I realised how angry and jealous and resentful I feel at my friends for having the life I want, the freedom to do things, the sense of a future. And I realised how passive-aggressive I've been towards them as a result (and how like my Other Sister that has made me!).

I realised that being forced to 'receive guests' from my bed makes me feel incredibly unsafe and vulnerable to attack, even with close friends who I know without doubt would never hurt me. And I realised that my fear of being abandoned has become so great that I've been pushing people to do just that, either to get it out of the way, or to prove myself right.

I also now feel so unequal in these relationships that I'm subconsciously certain people will eventually walk away, and I expect, or even push it to happen. And there's the fact that I used to be an equal player in these friendships; I brought as much to them as anyone else - past experienced, current life events, support, need etc. Now my life is so empty, I have nothing to offer.

All of this has caused me to increasingly isolate myself, driving people away and making little effort to contact them, all because it's too hard. Each interaction raises all these issues, makes me feel like crap and makes me even less likely to get in touch in future, through fear of feeling that bad again.

Since the appointment I've been doing a lot of work on each of these issues. I've been trying to come up with techniques to address each of them, and I've been quite successful. There's plenty more to be done, but it's a good start.

It's just a shame that shrink told me there's nothing they can do to help me. They believe that 'reciprocity is the key to healing', and so ONLY offer group therapy. I don't feel able to do that - I can't even cope with friends talking about their lives - and he said until fixing these relationships is my top priority, group work won't help me. I pointed out that my priority is just getting through the pain each day.

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