Monday, 3 October 2011

Decided not to use the suicide note.

Pain was looking bad this morning, so I went straight for double Oxycontin, and that seems to've been the right thing.

I've managed to get a lot done on the DLA forms. I should feel pleased, and I partly do, but partly I just feel how much more there is to do. My worry now is how bad everything's going to be tomorrow, having probably pushed things way too far today. But I just had to.

I worked out what's been freaking me out so much about them though, and that's good.

It's because getting the DLA award all hinges on me saying the right thing. If I say the wrong thing, I ruin it for myself and get nothing. But I have no way of knowing what's the right thing and what's wrong.

It's just like when I was a child - my whole existence felt incredibly unsafe and like I was living on quicksand - the whole world could drop away at any moment, just because I said the wrong thing.

There'll be no-one to blame but myself if it goes wrong, but I have no way of knowing how to do it right, and the stress of that is killing me.

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