Saturday 25 June 2011

All over

I feel like I spend my whole life just filling time.

Watch some TV, read a book, do a crossword. But what am I filling time for? Just waiting for the pain to start.

I've got a wardrobe full of fabulous clothes, and I never get to wear any of them. What's the point of them being here?

I used to look quite good - I had good hair, good clothes. I looked nice. Now I just wear pjs and trackie bottoms. I slob round endlessly.

I do nothing, I go nowhere. What's the point of any of it? God I feel so flat. One day just merges into the next; the only defining feature is the pain - how much, how many pills.

I had a life once. A real live life. I had a job, a career, prospects. I had dreams and ambitions. Ideas, ideals, thoughts, plans, a future. I used to feel joy and excitement and fun. I used to look forward to things, make plans, set goals.

Now I have nothing, just some useless facsimile of a life. Like a hologram, or a projection. You can swipe your hand through it, but there's nothing to grab hold of. There's no beginning and no end, no prospects or possibilities. I feel like I'm living in a perpetual temp assignment, where nothing's really real, nothing's in context and none of it matters anyway. It's all just a swirling mass of endlessness; it's all over, dead and gone.

Please just kill me now. I want to be dead. It's a dead life, so why be alive in it? My whole world is just a shadow of my real world. A shade of it, existing only to torment me.

Posted from Blogium for iPhone

No comments:

Post a Comment