Thursday 16 June 2011

I've just found out a very good friend of mine has been offered a fabulous new job.

I'm delighted for her - it's the perfect job for her and I know she'll be brilliant at it.

But the news just makes me cry, because my career is over. I can't see me ever being able to get back to work. Even if the depression can be brought under control, I still couldn't work with these pain levels. And the more morphine you throw at it, the more out of it I feel. How am I supposed to work, when I can't keep dream and reality straight, and when I get overwhelmed by guilt - and start reacting to it - over things that have never happened.

I was ambitious once. I wanted to move up the ladder, gain new skills, take on new responsibility. Now I can't even manage my own job.

I feel so left behind and useless. All those years I felt inadequate because I was the only one of my friends without a degree. Now I have one (two, actually) and still I'm not as good as them. Because I can't get promoted. My 'victories' are stupid pathetic things like making it to Tesco and back, getting through the whole day without having to go back to bed.

I feel like my heart is breaking.

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