Sunday 26 June 2011

Unbelievable

I got a letter from the shrink yesterday. It was a copy of an update letter she'd sent to my GP, and copied me in on.

It took me till today to be able to read it, because I suspected it was going to be upsetting; it was. I was in tears reading it, as expected, but not for the reasons I'd anticipated.

I'd expected to be upset about her passing judgement on me, the usual feelings that I'm 'failing' somehow in the way I'm dealing with all this.

What actually had me in floods, though, was the enormity of the situation, and how anyone could be expected - and could actually manage - to keep going through it all.

I was reading her description of what's been going on, all the things that have made it even more difficult, and all the people that have fallen by the wayside to leave me with much less support than in the past, and all I could think was 'Jesus, how the hell have I made it this far?'.

On the one hand, I was really proud of myself for keeping going, and on the other, I just couldn't believe that I hadn't given up and ended it all months ago. I don't know where I've found the strength to keep fighting through it all.

It's like a comedy of errors, every time you think things can't possibly get any worse, they do. And yet still, like some kind of Duracell Bunny, I refuse to give up. I wish I could give up, but that gene seemed to get missed out when they were putting me together, along with the maternal instinct gene and the one that makes everyone else love the Lord of the Rings movies. . .

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