Monday 13 June 2011

Phantom guilt

I hate that one of the side effects of taking this much morphine is guilt.

At any time, all of a sudden I feel overwhelmed by guilt, but I have no idea why or for what. I'll be sitting or lying there OK, then I'll suddenly feel like I've done something absolutely awful, something that everyone will hate me for and that I'll get in terrible trouble for. I'll feel guilty and panicked and fearful of the repercussions. The feelings will last for ages, then will disappear as fast as they came.

All I can do when it happens is ignore the feelings. I have to remind myself that if I can't remember what it is I'm feeling so guilty over, that probably means there actually isn't anything. And so I have to push the feelings away and pretend they're not there.

It happens over and over each day and it's very wearing, but there's nothing else I can do.

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