The depression's been really bad today, I suppose following on from yesterday's doctor's appointment.

I had thought I was doing ok, till I got in there and started talking to him, and realised how not-ok I felt. And it's got worse and worse ever since.

It got really bad late last night because my neighbours were being really noisy and that lack of consideration made me feel very ignored and uncared for. I felt the same getting up this morning, things improved when my friends cane round but then have got worse all evening as the noise levels have risen. And my pain levels are rising accordingly.

It's just too hard doing all this on my own. Not the noise stuff, just coping with all this pain, and now the psychological stuff that trying to resolve the pain keeps on raising. It makes me realise that I've spent the majority of my life feeling incredibly lonely and unprotected.

It goes right back to my mum not giving a shit about what happened to me. She always says it was a time when new mums were encouraged not to 'coddle' their babies, so she just left me to cry. My ex-boyfriend always took perverse pleasure in me being upset, and would not only leave me to cry, but actively cause the upset first. I left him 12 years ago, and since then, I've been alone. I've had friends, some of whom have been great, some who've turned out only to be interested in their own needs. But essentially I've been alone. And for the past four years, I haven't even had the option of going out and changing that.

And now I'm here recognising that the pain is rooted in psychological issues and trying to unlock them. BUT IT'S TOO HARD. Every time I delve into the psych problems I just get completely battered. I KNIW THAT'S WHY THE PAIN'S THERE, BUT TRYING TO FIX IT HURTS SO MUCH! I can't do it by myself. I hate the physical pain, but the emotional pain is just as bad. And nothing eases it.

I CAN'T DO THIS ALL BY MYSELF. It hurts too much. Please, please, somebody come and help me. I don't understand why she's never cared enough to help me. What did I do wrong? She'll risk her life for my sister, but she won't even sit here with me. I just want my mum to care - is that too much to ask?

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