The magic book is all about how chronic pain is a function of repressed rage due to (often childhood) trauma. It talks about how you need to recognise that this anger is there and work out what you're actually angry at.

I've found that element of it very hard; focusing on some esoteric rage hasn't helped, but seeing the pain as directly linked to psychological issues definitely has. And I've got plenty of trauma to draw on. So I've been using the book, but altering it to fit my own circumstances.

Last night, I was following the instructions in the book, where you write down all the things you're worried about and that the pain might be distracting you from.

It was all going fine. As usual, it was fear rather anger that kept coming up. Then, all of a sudden, I was completely awash with rage. Jeez, you wouldn't believe how much rage! And it was mostly directed at my mum, not my dad. The thing that makes me mad is the neglect and the emotional abandonment, not the sexual abuse.

So I wrote and wrote and wrote until the rage dissipated and I found myself able to sleep - properly sleep. The pain has been very minimal so far today and I've taken just one morphine pill.

I don't know if that means it's not coming back. I'm seeing the doc today but I daren't tell him about all this - partly because I don't know how long it will last and partly because I just don't feel I can trust him, after that last meeting. I guess I'll just have to wait and see what happens.

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