Don't I matter?

So much focus on stopping people abusing the morphine. Making sure they don't take too much. Stopping them taking it for fun. Making sure they don't kill themselves.

But what about the people who genuinely need the stuff? Not taking it for fun, not trying to top themselves. Just trying to get through the day. You're so busy stopping everyone else getting it, you stop me. And if I have to face that pain with no hope of relief, that WILL lead to suicide.

You do know there are other ways to kill yourself? You do know that some of us are actually in pain? I don't take this shit for fun you know. It's not a laugh to me, it's not some big joke. It's my fucking life.

You have NO FUCKING IDEA what it's like to live with this pain. You think it's no big deal to 'pop' back to the surgery and get a new prescription. Do you know what it took to get the few-hundred-yards to the pharmacy? Do you have any idea of the effort it takes just to get down the stairs? Just to get out of bed?

I can see the knife when I close my eyes. I can feel the serrations. I can imagine the feel of it slicing through my skin. The sight of the blood pooling around me. The pain would stop. All of it would stop. I wouldn't have to be afraid of the pain any more.

The only reason I didn't do it this morning?I couldn't face writing the note. What a fucking joke. The suicide - no problem. But writing the note - that's what I couldn't do.

I want the people I love to know why, I don't want them left racked with questions. And without a note, they would be. I want them to know that the final straw was all those people so desperate to protect the masses from abusing morphine, that they were willing to abandon me to the pain. Just like how I get no help, no support, barely any compensation just because other people put pain on to get something for nothing.

I'm an honest hard-working person who gets consistently screwed over because of other people's dishonesty and lack of morals. Not only do I live in the hell of constant pain, but I have to keep proving it over and over, just to get the tiniest, most begrudging bit of help.

I hope when I'm gone someone publishes this blog, so the world can get a look at how totally fucked up it really is.

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