The truth is, though, that right now I don't know how I'll feel if the prescription does come through and get filled tomorrow. Will I look at it and think 'OK, there's another month sorted'? Or will there be a sense of disappointment? Maybe that's the acid test.
You see, I think I'm nearly there. If the script comes through and I feel relief - as I would've expected before all this happened yesterday - then I'll know I'm not. But if it comes through and I feel let down, disappointed, robbed of an escape route, well maybe that means something different. If all I can feel is the weight of another month, then maybe it's time.
All I know is that all day I've been feeling more and more at ease with the idea of an endpoint.
10.30 Maybe I'm feeling this way to protect myself from the terror of facing the pain without meds. I can feel the fear crowding in right now; if I really was ready to go, surely I wouldn't feel that way?
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