Wednesday 6 July 2011

Nurse

I'm scared and I want to cry.

Apparently I have to talk to some nurse from the insurance company. I'm sure it's just standard operating procedure, but it makes me feel got at and guilty, like they think I'm putting it all on. Which of course I'm not.

I know it's probably all part of those guilt feelings I keep getting from the morphine. It's flattened me today; I had to take three quick release pills mid-morning and a double slow release at lunchtime. Both of them sent me to sleep and I still feel really drugged now. I've taken more than that in the past, and it hasn't reacted that way. It just seems to be about body chemistry on the day.

Logically, i'm sure there's nothing to worry about with this nurse, but it still scares me. The idea of having to talk through the horrors of the past few months with some stranger. Having to feel all of that all over again. And it'll be so embarrasing; I'll be in floods of tears, I know I will, If it's a phone meeting, it'll be awful, they won't be able to make out a word I'm saying, and they don't know me, why should they sympathise?

And if it's a home visit, there's the same embarrassment, in person, added to the likelihood of being confined to bed at the time. What if it's a male nurse? There's no way I could let him in to my bedroom.

I'm terrified, I don't think I can do it.

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