It's difficult to describe the wierdness of today.

After such a traumatic night, the depression has been so bad that I haven't even been able to drag myself out of bed.

I've spent the entire day hiding under the covers, cradling my childhood doll, crying. All I've managed to eat is a couple of bowls of cereal. I've looked in at the chins once or twice, but haven't said a word to them. I just couldn't raise the energy or the interest; they're probably pretty confused.

The thought of sitting up, doing anything or in any way engaging with the world has just been abhorrent to me. I've taken the necessary medication (no top ups, unlike yesterday, where I ended up needing several in the evening). The pain's been coming and going all day, but I haven't even been able to care about that.

My doll last night was just a comfort and something good from my childhood. Today he became kind of a representation of the child-me and I held him the way noone ever held me. I couldn't put him down even for a second, because I'd be washed over with feelings of abandonment and loss just at the thought of it.

I feel slightly better now, though I still can't be bothered to do anything about the growling stomach, and I'm going to have to force myself to get up and feed the chins (it's not their fault, after all).

God knows what tonight will bring, or how tomorrow will be. I feel like I can't cry anymore, and I wish I could. If there was a 'disappear' button, I'd press it.

Posted from Blogium for iPhone