His constant pointing out that the morphine can't go on forever but failure to offer any alternative has left me feeling far more hopeless than I did before. I keep just dissolving into heartbroken tears over my situation. What had seemed semi-manageable before, now seems completely insurmountable.
The stuff about my dad was faded a little into the background behind that, but still jumps out at me and reduces me to tears. My doll hasn't been able to go back away yet.
The pain is worse, mostly because of the fear of using the medication the doctor has left me with, plus the knock-on effect from all the upset and crying.
I'm taking more slow release pills, spread out through the day, to try and limit total morphine intake. The only way this will hold back the pain without top-ups though, is if I stay in bed. Since I'm scared to top-up, I'm now not just house-bound, but often bed-bound.
If I want to actually 'do' anything - using the laptop, or cleaning out the chins for example - that invariably leads to having no choice but to take top-up pills.
If the pain is already breaking through when I'm due to take a slow release pill, I generally double up, to try and keep it to just 10mg extra (one slow release pill), instead of maybe 10mg top-ups every three or four hours.
I got through the day today doing that, till a difficult phone call this evening. By the end of it, I felt so bullied and got at that I wanted to cry. The pain immediately flared and I had to double up and top-up, and even so, I'm still trapped in my chair, unable to move.
I hope the doctor is really proud of himself.
Posted from Blogium for iPhone
No comments:
Post a Comment