Fallout

Chatting with my sister this evening was lovely, and I managed to only cry once, but now I'm feeling really low and angry and anxious.

I think it's because talking to her made me think about very 'normal' things like work, and the thought of that still scares the shit out of me.

I'm getting periods now where my mood is more normal, but it's interspersed with periods of very not-normal. Like this morning, where I just kept bursting into tears, the point talking to my sis about something which really didn't deserve tears, but I couldn't hold them back, and now, when I'm so anxious I want to scratch off my own skin, and I can't decide whether to sob hysterically or throw things around the room.

I'm terrified of the doc forcing me to go back to work in this state, simply because there are some steady periods, because I know I'll only last half a day before I go to pieces, and and then off again.

But what if I can't convince him that I'm really not ready? That's what the anxiety is all about, and the tears and the anger - that I can't make him understand.

The appointment's not till Friday, and I don't know how I'm going to get through the next four days.


2.15am. To cap it all, I can't sleep and the panic attacks are very bad. I'm constantly terrified because I feel out of control and powerless to protect myself. I can't make people do what I need them to do in order to stay safe, and that terrifies me.


3.30am. Still no sleep and pain awful again; four pills since midnight. Shit.

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