Hopeless

I felt like I'd done quite well managing the pain today: I'd managed to lengthen the gaps between morphine doses, but the fact that I keep needing double doses means I still ended up taking 8 top up pills. On top of the 40mg of slow release, that's a total of 80mg.

That upsets me because I had to work hard at timing the doses and tolerating the pain to not take more, and interlacing it with the other meds to minimise the nausea, yet the reward I get for all that hard work - and believe me, it's really hard - is knowing that I've taken as much as I used to be on before. And in reality, if I'd been trying to do more than just stay home, I needed more.

And it worries me because I remember how evil it was coming off morphine before. This was only ever supposed to be a temporary measure, but now look - I'm on the same amount, so getting it back down again will be awful. Not from the pain perspective - ignore that for a minute - but from the body's-tolerance angle.

Yet I don't see any alternative. The pain consultant always says it's a question of whether the pain is better or worse on the morphine. If it's better, it's worth taking. Well, it is better, but it's still not enough to actually make life bearable.

So what the hell am I supposed to do?

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