Friday, 29 April 2011

Terrified again

It's been a shitty day and I expect it'll be an equally shitty night.

The pain's been bad all day - I need to go back to double pills first thing - and my mood has been very low. Like most other days at the moment, I've spent about half my time thinking about knives, pills and tall bridges.

The panics have been back this evening, but with the added dimension of starting to panic, forgetting what I was panicking about and then panicking over the forgetting.

I think it's the loss of faculty that I'm really panicking about, because it's also been happening over forthcoming discussions or decisions that I know will require me to be able to think clearly: I'm scared I won't be able to do that.

For example, I know my landlord is planning to put my rent up, but there are several things he needs to do first, which means I'm going to have to negotiate with him.

He's a friend and I know he won't intentionally screw me over, but he's very business-minded, so he'll be looking out for his own interests, which means I'll have to look out for mine.

But I don't feel capable of doing that, and that's what's panicking me. I'm terrified I won't be able to follow the arguments, and hence will lose out. And the landlord is coming round next week.

Even thinking about it to write this is freaking me out. Everywhere I turn, I just feel scared, lonely and completely unable to cope with the world. What am I going to do?

I can't even look after myself any more. I've always been a very intelligent, very capable, very independent person. Now I feel like a child. I feel completely powerless and incompetent; I don't understand what's going on around me, but I know I should be able to. It's frightening and frustrating. The world won't stop just because I can't cope, so how am I supposed to navigate it?

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