Feeling bloody awful

I feel like I've taken twice as many pills as I actually have this evening. It's horrible, I feel completely stoned, dizzy as hell, I've got a nasty headache and I feel very very sick.

It's been a very tough weekend - the pain's been especially bad at night, to the point that yesterday I took a total of 90mg of morphine! Both Friday and Saturday night I had to take pills throughout the night, and when food didn't help them to work, I had to take extra paracetemol.

I had hideous stomach pains for hours this morning and they're back again now.

The depression's been bad all weekend too. My sister was staying, so at least I wasn't alone, but I still spent a lot of time crying. We were going to go enjoy the sunshine in a beer garden somewhere, but I couldn't bear the idea of all those people.

Interestingly, I didn't have the awful dreams while she was here - I guess the underlying sensation of unidentified threat is all about feeling alone. I'm not looking forward to tonight though, not only because of the dreams but because both of the last two nights, my sister had to come in and sit with me because the pain was so bad. And she's not here now.

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