Wednesday, 20 April 2011

Panics and flashbacks

Oh god. I'm terrified. The panic attacks are hovering and I'm having flashbacks to the awful dreams. I don't know what I'm going to do.

I've been on double dose morphine all day till late afternoon, when I went back to singles. It was ok till the pain flared after the 7pm pill. I had to wait till 9 to take a double dose to try and sleep, but now the panics are there and every time I start to drift off, I find myself in one of the nightmares where I can't be sure what's real and what's not. So I don't know whether the threat inherent in the panic attack is real or not. It's terrifying and I don't know what to do about it.

If I sit up and distract myself like I normally would, the morphine will wear off and I'll be back in pain again. But if I don't, I'll have to put up with the panics. When is this going to be over?

11.45 Distraction activity and food is often the only solution, so - Masterchef and cereal it is.

12.15 What a surprise - three hours after the last morphine and the pain is once more building. When do I ever get just a tiny little break?

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