Surrender

I have the strangest feeling, one of enormous achievement, just like I did after I sent the letters outing my father as an abuser. I don't know why though. I feel like I have overcome some enormous obstacle and achieved something that I'd always thought was well outside my grasp. But I don't know what it is that I've achieved.

Is it facing the reality of my situation? Or understanding the 'unresolvable conflict'? Realising I can look the whole situation in the eye and not disintegrate? That I can still exist as me, outside of the Accident, just as I discovered I wasn't just composed of the Abuse. Is it seeing my own potential? Seeing that the Bad Stuff doesn't necessarily make Good Stuff impossible?

I think it's that I was suddenly able to see the place that the past four years has left me in, without frills or judgements. I had two choices - to reject what I saw, to keep the barriers in place and hide behind them, or to embrace it, to surrender myself to it. Just like the choice I had to accept that the abuse was real, or to keep doubting what I knew to be true.

The 'easy' answer, to both questions, would have been to keep hiding, but I didn't. I took the difficult choice, and the reward was an unexpected moment of shining clarity and self acceptance.

The point, I think, is that I can withstand the weight of the pain, the morphine and all it represents, and still maintain Me. It doesn't chip away at, change or erode me till what's left is unrecognisable. I can let it get on and do its job, and know that I'll still come out the other end, in tact.

Or to put it more plainly, No, doing whatever it takes to make it through each pain-filled day doesn't mean - as I've always secretly feared it did - that I'm going to turn into a lazy, sponging junkie. It just means I'm going to be able to get up and make it through the next pain-filled day as well.

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