Saturday, 23 April 2011

Emotional imperative

You can only fight an extreme emotional reaction for so long.

There's the catalyst, whatever that may be, but you try not to react. Maybe it's because you're worried it'll make things worse (eg the urge to scream at the noisy neighbours), because the natural reaction would be prejudicial or even illegal (telling your boss exactly what you think of them) or because what you want to do is potentially dangerous (venting your rage on the road).

But eventually, if the circumstances persist - the catalyst is still in play, no-one else appears to relieve the pressure, your emotions keep building - there WILL BE an explosion. The reaction you've been trying to avoid will inevitably happen.

When all that means is that you suddenly find yourself acting out the impulse - broom in hand, hammering on the ceiling and screaming 'it's 4am - turn the fucking music down!' that's not such a big deal.

But when that impulse is you sawing into your own wrist, watching the blood bead on the surface, fascinated and unmoved... When that's the impulse you're fighting, finding that it's already become a reality is nothing short of catastrophic.

It's not that I'm afraid of that reality - as far as I'm concerned, it's inevitable - it's just that when I get there, I want to be sure it's a conscious decision. And I'm scared it won't be.

Posted from Blogium for iPhone

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