Wednesday, 27 April 2011

Nightmare # who-the-hell-knows

I've now found myself at a point where I can't cope with unmediated contact even with certain friends and family.

For a week or so I've been unable to go near Facebook, because I was finding it upsetting reading other people's posts. Sometimes it was that I was taking things personally, when they had nothing to do with me. Sometimes it was that I felt completely overwhelmed by other people's personalities. Other times just that their happiness made me feel irrationally jealous and resentful.

Now I'm finding a similar thing with email and the phone. For weeks, the thought of my work email inbox has terrified me (which, of course, is part of why I'm off sick), but now I'm feeling that way about my private email too. I'm scared to look at it in case there's an email from someone that I don't feel able to deal with, whether it be the person, the topic, or both.

And it's the same with the phone; I can't answer it now unless I know who it is and I feel confident I can talk to them. The only people I can talk to are those where I feel completely in control; I know that at any time I can tell them to stop - the topic, or even the whole conversation - and I'm completely confident that they'll do it, and won't take offence. Anyone who I know has trouble hearing 'stop', or who then acts like I've stabbed them in the eye, is just too dangerous.

Basically, anything that runs even the tiniest risk of upsetting me, making me feel pressured, overwhelmed, or scared, in whatever medium, is too much.

Of course, that's severely limiting my contacts at the moment, and I worry that those I'm not able to be in touch with will walk away, but there's nothing I can do. I just have to hope they understand, and will still be there at the end. It's also making me more and more isolated, which is not a good thing, not to mention the added pressure it's putting on those few unfortunates that I can still talk to.

God, is there no end to this depression?

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