Friday, 22 April 2011

I've been thinking about it a lot today.

Usually it's at night that things get so bad that my mind fills with those kinds of thoughts. But the pain's been so bad today, I've been taking so many pills and they've been having so little effect. It's just starting to seem like time.

I've pretty much settled on the 'how'. The 'why' is pretty bloody obvious.

Which leaves only the 'when'.

I suppose the question is, how much more can I take:

Where's the line in morphine consumption? I'm already, on occasion, taking more in a day than when I was on it regularly. The more I have to take, the less effective lower doses become, so the more I have to take. When is it too much?

If the Lofepramine doesn't help, can I bear to go through it all again in order to try another new antidepressant? Presumably, it would once again mean weeks coming off it, then weeks building up something new. Can I bear this depression for that long?

If the pain levels stay this high, how long can I bear it?

Am I prepared to wait the 12 to 18 months to see if the orthopaedic surgeon is right about frozen shoulders always freeing up?

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