I got a very supportive email from my boss, and felt I owed her a more detailed explanation than 'signed off for a month', so I wrote back. But of course it raised all sorts of feelings that I can't deal with.
I also had an email from the personnel manager and the rehab consultant. Again, I felt I owed them a fuller response.
I still think it was the right thing to do - if you're going to be off for that length of time you have a responsibility to keep people informed - but all it's done is leave me feeling sad, angry, lonely and guilty. I just want to hide under the covers and cry.
I feel completely overwhelmed, but I don't know what by; I feel upset and worried that I've said the wrong thing and will get in trouble, when logically I know that's not true; I feel angry over stuff they mentioned that doesn't merit anger; angry at myself for potentially saying the wrong thing and for getting myself in such a stupid state over nothing and guilty for opening my big fat mouth in the first place.
It's horrible, it's a mess, and all from a couple of simple-seeming emails. And to cap it all, the whole thing has obviously caused me to really tense up, because the pain is banging away and nothing is helping.
I hate being such a fucking weakling that I can't even deal with a couple of emails without falling apart. It seems like the only way I can keep myself in one piece is to totally cut myself off from the world. But if I do that, how am I ever going to know if I'm feeling any better?
Oh, and I'm scared to look at my email, in case anyone has replied and the whole ridiculous cycle starts all over again.
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