Tuesday, 26 April 2011

Tiny and scared

I was right about needing another couple of pills; took them at 10.30 and had a handful of fruits and nuts at 11 to help them work. They are, but now I'm feeling really low and very scared. It's not panic, like at other times, but it's fear nontheless, and of course I don't know what of.

I feel very small and vulnerable, like a small child. I feel like the whole world is bigger than me, and more complicated than I can understand - out of my grasp in every way. I feel like I'm floating alone on an open sea, or standing in a huge empty park, lost and alone. I can turn in any direction, but there's no-one there.

I can't see a threat anywhere, there's no visible reason to be scared, it's just that I'm all by myself. There's not a single person anywhere who will look after me, make sure I'm OK.

It's just like when I was a kid, and I knew I was facing the world by myself. And it's just like the feelng that came over me in the wreck of the car, when I looked up and saw all the traffic had disappeared. That feeling of being totally and fundamentally alone. That's when you know true terror.

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