Sunday, 3 April 2011

So scared

I can't trust anything any more, and it scares the shit out of me.

I can't trust the pain signals my body is sending. I can't trust my body to do the things I want it to, when I want it to. I can't trust the meds to make me feel better, I can't trust the side effects to be predictable. I can't even trust my own feelings.

The depression and the meds are screwing me up so much that I don't know what I'm feeling, or why. Am I angry? Scared? Sad?

Not being able to identify any of this means I feel like I'm drowning in a maelstrom of swirling emotions. Is it about me or someone else? Who am I angry at, what am I scared of?

I constantly feel like I've done something terrible to someone, but I don't know who or what. I feel like I've forgotten something critical, but what or why?

The whole thing is terrifying. I just want to burst into tears.

Why am I still doing this? Because I can't trust myself to know whether I really want to or not. And that's not a decision you want to get wrong.

Posted from Blogium for iPhone

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