Tuesday, 12 April 2011


I've been sitting here for an hour trying to understand why I feel so hideous, and to put it into words here.

My landlord/friend came round to do a couple of jobs, and spent the entire two hours talking incessantly about the work being done on their house. I couldn't get a word in edgeways, he showed no interest in me or anything I tried to say. I felt completely bombarded and like I was drowning in his personality.

Ever since, I've felt totally numb and empty, wanting to die but not even having the strength to feel that feeling.

I know this friend is overpowering, but I didn't realise how bad it was. He tends to use talking to people as a way of problem-solving: just thinking out loud basically. He had to come round a couple of weeks ago and I knew I couldn't cope with him talking for hours, so I told him I needed him to just do the job and go. This time, I thought I could cope, but clearly I couldn't.

I feel angry with him for doing that to me, for not thinking that maybe this wasn't an appropriate time for one of his ruminating sessions (his wife is a close friend of mine, who knows what's been going on). I'm angry with myself for not telling him to work-and-go, and I'm disappointed in myself for being such a fucking weakling And I'm scared shitless by the whole experience; if I can't cope with a good friend visiting for two hours, what hope do I have of ever getting back to work?

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