Monday, 25 April 2011

'Fatal error'

Mentally, I'm not feeling too bad now (although I'm starting to have really bad panic attacks since taking the last morphine pills, which doesn't bode well for tonight, and I feel very sick, probably because I haven't eaten enough). What's weird, though, is that I genuinely can't remember what it was that I was in such a meltdown over.

I mean, I know it was all triggered by the anniversary, but, for instance, I can't remember what it was that set me off into floods of tears each time. I know my head has been a swirl of thoughts and images and memories and fears for about the past 22 hours solid. But what were they? It's really disconcerting to have had a complete break down, and then be able to remember nothing about it ON THE SAME DAY.

There was mind-blowing shoulder pain, neck pressure, migraine. I couldn't sit or stand up. I felt stoned and sick. I hadn't slept. But that's all I remember.

I suspect it was the weight of all the pain over all those months hitting me all at once, and the potential for it to go on, ad infinitum. The 'no way out' thing, where no matter what I try, what I do, there's no way to stop the pain, except to kill myself. And since I don't actually want to do that, there was an impossible conflict. I think my mind just shorted out on it all - a mental version of a computer's 'Windows has experienced a fatal error and needs to close'. It couldn't resolve the conflict, and it collapsed in on itself trying.

I assume my difficulty remembering is my mind's way of protecting me: everything needed to go to pieces, it did and now it's done.

I'm desperately hoping that's also why the past week has been so bad, mentally and physically, and that things can now start to improve, because I can't tolerate much more of what's been going on lately - the pain, the depression, the suicidal thoughts, all of it.

Posted from Blogium for iPhone

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