Tuesday, 13 September 2011

I need the pain to stop and I really really don't want to be on my own with it tonight. It's too much, I can't do it.

12.30. I can't do this. The pain is unbearable. I can't do the forms and the appointments and all the shit they want me to do to prove I'm in pain. And I can't get through this pain this night. What am I going to do? It won't stop. Please somebody help me.

1.45. The pain went down for 10 minutes so I got up to go to the toilet and turn out the light: that's made it explode. I can't breathe. I've just taken four top-ups. I know I'm not supposed to, but until you've been through the torture I have over the last few hours, you are in no position to judge. There's no possible way you could understand; I know this because I know there's no way I could ever have understood it. You just don't know.

I'm going to have to keep telling myself this to fight off the guilt at breaking my own limit. I already feel weak and a failure for taking extra pills. The fact that the pain is so bad I was seriously considering swallowing the bottle of Temazapam keeps getting lost under '100mg per day'.

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