Tuesday, 13 September 2011

Scared shitless

I'm lying here terrified that I'm going to be attacked and it's making the pain explode. I'm hoping if I write it, it might make it go away.

I was asleep. But I was dreaming that I was in a big, strange house somewhere dangerously remote, unable to sleep because I was afraid someone was going to attack me.

I wasn't alone in this dream; I was in bed with someone, but they were sleeping soundly. I think it was my sister (the bad one). In the dream, I woke up to hear someone rummaging through the room next door, lights ablaze, with the radio blaring about a lone house in an even more remote place, where an attack was known to be taking place. And I knew the person in that house was my mother.

When I woke up from this nightmare (in real life), I was filled with terror of someone in the next room. I still am. It didn't help that my upstairs neighbour then decided to get up and start doing whatever the fuck it is she does at this time of night. Loudly.

I'm still too scared to step outside my bedroom door. I've got all the lights blazing, but I still can't close my eyes, because if I do, immediately I feel that imminent threat. And my eyes are so heavy. And it's all kicking off really bad shoulder pain. I want to cry, but if I do that, I won't bs able to hear someone coming, so I can't.

The fact that my mum and my sister were so prominent in the dream suggests that the 'threat' is my father; I'm back to that again. It was the same fear last night, I just never managed to name it.

I'm so fucking scared. And so fucking tired. I want to sleep, but what's going to cone at me if I do?

2.15am. I think I've just worked it out. If I'm in a room with R, hearing him in another room, terrified that he'll come for me - that must be because he was in there with L. Which means I'm remembering back to when he'd stopped with me (he stopped before she was born), but I was still terrified he'd start again. And I'm remembering what she's never been sure actually happened.

The fact that, having realised that, i'm no longer so scared, tells me I'm right. It's not the first time I've remembered stuff happening to L, but it's a long long time since i did, and I wish I hadn't, because it's not like she wants to know. Which means I have nowhere to go with the memory but here.

[I'm not reading this back, it's too fucking scary, so you'll just have to read around the mistakes.]

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