This is disappointing.

Ever since the big realisations a couple of weeks ago, I've felt better mentally. No suicidal-ness, feeling more positive, gagging to get back to work, etc.

I decided it would be wise to test the improvement, to make sure I'm really ready for work. Before I talk to Personnel and put the wheels in motion. So I was thinking about spending time on the company website, or talking to work colleagues - something to immerse me in the work environment and see if I stayed OK. Make sure I didn't have a meltdown at the reality of work.

I've been wanting to see my friend that I haven't been able to speak to for months, and as she's also from work, this seemed like the right time.

So I arranged to see her, and I'm genuinely looking forward to it. But I then found myself getting upset and feeling abandoned when my DVD player freaked out. It was one of the ridiculously small 'schemer activation' moments that the psych talked about. But I haven't had one since that appointment, and I was really hoping I was one of the cases where identifying it is enough to turn it off.

I'm gutted. And I'm worried this means I won't be able to cope with my friend's visit, or even go through with it. And I'm worried it means work is still impossible.

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