It started off very low - it was nearly lunchtime before I could bring myself to even get out of bed.
Things improved when my friend arrived, but crashed again when she was telling me all about her latest job. It was really hard because I felt so resentful and jealous that she gets to work and I don't. She's been having an awful time, yet still I felt that I would swap places in a heartbeat.
Unfortunately, I didn't realise how much it was getting to me, and I didn't ask her to stop till it was too late; I wound up in floods of tears and had to hide away for a couple of hours. Even when I came back out, it took another hour for me to feel like myself again.
I got quite upset about work again today. There will be a later post on what triggered it, but the impossibility - as I see it - of me getting back to work, how desperate I am to do that, and how it just seems that the difference between where I am now, and where I was a year ago must be due to something I did, that I must have messed everything up somehow - it can't just have been an accident.
Yet I can't come up with anything, and my friend pointed out that I'll drive myself crazy thinking that way. I know she's probably right, but it's incredibly hard not to.
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