Tuesday, 13 September 2011

More big stuff

There's an element of 'abandonment expectation' to all this too.

I've noticed since the big realisations that certain elements of compulsive, destructive behaviour have stopped, specifically me picking at my face and hunting for skin blemishes that I can dig at and make worse.

I wasn't sure if it was down to the realisations, but I thought it was. It was surprising though; I've spent hours - days even - trying to work out why I do that, and I've gone through endless attempts to stop doing it, but like an addict, I've never been able to. I've even tried following programmes for beating addiction, to no avail. In my most honest moments, I've recognised that I didn't really want to stop, because doing it met some deepdown need that I didn't understand. I knew that I'd never be able to stop till I worked it out though, because like any addict, I wouldn't be able to stop till I really wanted to.

Then came the big realisations about abandonment, schemers and activators, and suddenly not only was I not doing it any more, it wasn't even crossing my mind. The urge had totally gone.

Then my friend came round today. All afternoon and evening after her visit, I felt very odd, and I knew I needed to sit and examine what I was feeling. But I suspected that would be difficult and possibly painful, so I put it off. Then suddenly, I'm back into those old patterns of behaviour.

I stopped myself before it got too bad and I did the necessry thinking and analysing. It seems that some of what was said earlier with my friend had left me subconsciously expecting to be abandoned. I feared things I'd said would be inadvertently passed on to someone else in such a way that this other person would then turn their back on me, thus abandoning me.

There was also an element of not being needed by my friend and so being 'abandoned' in that way too, but it was the former that was the big thing.

Since working that out, the urge to destructive behaviour seems to have disappeared again. I need to discuss all this with the shrink on Thursday, but I guess it makes sense, me being me, that not only would I react to something happening, but I'd react to the possibility of it too. Especially as having to 'second guess' how others might react to situations was central to the uncertainty and instability of my childhood existence.

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