Wednesday, 21 September 2011

Panic - again

What is it about Tuesday nights?

This time last week, I was having hysterical panic attacks about the rehab testing. Tonight I'm fighting descent into the same state over how much I've upset my best friend.

Nothing's changed - I emailed and texted her on Sunday, explaining and apologising. I haven't heard back from her yet, and I was fine about that until about 20 minutes ago, when I suddenly started worrying. And now I'm desperately trying not to go into a full-on panic that she'll never talk to me again.

It's ridiculous, there's no reason to suddenly start freaking out, yet here I am, feeling tearful and shakey and terrified.

I'm such a fucking headcase and it's my headcase-ness that led to me upsetting her in the first place. I fucking hate being like this. I know it's probably the pills, but I fucking hate it.

It's just another way that the pain has destroyed my life - I never used to be like this. I don't want to spend another night crying and shaking and feeling like the workd's coming to an end. It's even worse when there's a logical part of your brain still functioning, that's pointing out to you how ridiculous it all is.

Even as I was writing the hysterical emails to Personnel last week, I knew I was panicking and being stupid. Bit I was just so scared, I couldn't stop myself.

The shrink gave me a handout about managing panic - maybe that'll help.

1.30. Half an hour of doing crosswords to distract myself, and I feel no better. I'm OK while I'm doing them, then the panic returns as soon as I stop. And sitting up to do them is making my shoulder hurt.

I don't know why I keep going to be honest. I want to stop

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