Tuesday, 9 August 2011


Technically-speaking, we're into a new 24-hour period, so you can rationalise it away, but the truth is I've just had to take another three top-up pills and one slow release because the three top-ups I took an hour ago had barely touched the pain that had already broken through the two slow release I took at 10.30.

This is a really bad development. Slow release pills are supposed to last 12 hours, not two. I took 145mg of morphine in the 24-hour period that's just ended. Ideally, I shouldn't be taking any more till 6am. But I had absolutely no chance of sleep doing that, so I had to do something.

I just have to hope that when I wake up, things will have calmed down again. Otherwise I'm going to have to triple the slow release doses through the day, to avoid all these top-ups. And that's an awful lot of morphine. I just couldn't seem to feel the stuff today though.

The book would suggest all this is because I'm getting closer and closer to the root psychological cause, and my unconscious mind is working harder and harder to prevent that and hence keep me in a state of bliss-less ignorance. That could very well be true - I felt very emotional and unstable over the past hour or so and doing the exercises revealed some more interesting stuff about all the things I've been forced to emotionally carry for others over the years. (The 'carrying' things is, I believe, why it's my shoulder at the centre of my pain - the point of support that bears the weight of anything we carry in our arms. Again though, it's fear and sadness, not rage, that seems come out of it).

As interesting as all this most certainly is, the reality is that the book has so far done nothing but make things worse. There really needs to be some positive outcome soon. I started this work to stop the pain, feel better and dump the morphine. Not be in more pain, be overwhelmed by psychological suffering and pop pills like Smarties.

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