I''m considering something. One final, last ditch attempt at staying alive.
You see, if the pain really is psychological in origin, it makes sense to think that, no matter how much morphine I take, the pain will always break through. I would have to, so the psychological need it exists for can still be met.
It would explain why, no matter how much I take, I'm still as debilitated as before. Why I'm still stuck in bed, unable to do anything or go anywhere.
It always struck me as anomalous that the book made no mention of what to do about pain killers. It's not just me either - there are discussion boards full of people asking the same question. With no answer. But it seems to me that if you're trying to unpick psychological pain, you have to lay that psychology bare. And that means no drugs.
You see, if the pain is going to break through no matter how much morphine I take, that presumably means that the morphine isn't doing anything. So if it wasn't there at all, I'd still be in the same amount of pain as I am now. It wouldn't be worse.
It would just be the same pain but without all the other stuff - the constipation, the stoned-ness, the panic attacks. The depression would be so much better without it. The abuse would be so much easier to deal with because it would come at me in manageable chunks. Chunks that I've dealt with safely in the past.
And if I could deal with that, maybe, maybe I could unpick the pain and make it stop. Especially if it's going to work, this newly-discovered ability to turn off the screwdriver-in-the-eye, through releasing the neck pressure by pressing on points of tension adjacent to my spine.
I know, it sounds like I'm having another Holy Grail moment. Maybe I am, probably I am. But if I'm going to kill myself anyway, perhaps I should give it a shot, just to see. I can still do that if this doesn't work out, it just means pushing the date back a bit. And surely it's worth that little delay?
6pm
I'm wavering on this. The pain in my arm after resolving the neck pressure is bad enough that any other day I'd have taken at least three top-ups. So what makes me think going without is a good idea?
OK, so I wouldn't be so dopey all day. That just means I'm conscious and feeling every moment of pain. But I'm still unable to actually do anything that might distract me like, say, work.
When I came off it before, there was no noticeable increase in pain. But there was no decrease either. So I can assume it'll stay at current levels. With no respite, do I actually think I could tolerate that?
And then there's the terror I feel of actually coming off it. This time I know how bad it'll be. But I can't just get started, because if I don't reduce it gradually first, it'll be even worse.
Maybe I should split the difference and go onto the Palexia (the new drug). But maybe that would involve the horrors of morphine withdrawal, without actually getting off it.
I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do and there's no-one I can talk to, because everyone's too busy. What do I do?????
9pm
I suppose the most sensible idea is to put a cap on the amount of morphine I'm allowed to take, and stick to it for a certain period of time.
If we're saying that the pain will always break through at the same sort of level, if I can't stick at a prespecified level, then I wouldn't cope off it. (That reasoning also means the Palexia could work - my argument was always that it gave no leeway for topping-up, but we're saying here that that's irrelevant, because the pain will always break through to render what you've taken useless.)
(BTW I did wind up taking three top-ups at 7pm. I chose that not slow release because it would clear my system quicker.)
10pm
Given that in the past week, I've taken as much as 190mg of morphine in a day, and at the least 110mg, it seems reasonable to set the initial limit at 100mg, whilst aiming for the existing baseline of 70mg. Today, assuming no more top-ups, I'm at 85mg, so spot-on.
The only downside is that already I can feel my body wanting more; I've got the aching in my back that I know from the last time I came off it, is a early sign of withdrawal. So I'm going to have to either set the initial limits at a higher level, or put up with that till my body adjusts. It eases whenever I take some, but the period before each dose will be unpleasant. And there's the knowledge that if I carry on with this, it will only get worse.
Posted from Blogium for iPhone
No comments:
Post a Comment