How did last year turn into this year?

Last year I was turning 40, planning spa parties with friends, discovering I could still swim, starting the meditatation, taking maybe 5mg morphine in a whole week.

Now I bed-bound, haven't worked in months, nearly drowned last time I was in the pool and I'm taking upwards of 100mg a day. I couldn't give a flying fuck about my birthday either (apart from deciding whether I even want to make it that far).

What did I do wrong? It must have been me, it must have been something I did, but I don't know what.

I was following the meditation course, and the pain started to increase. I had to up the morphine and cut the activity - on doctor's advice. Was that wrong?

Just tell me what I did wrong and let me undo it, please? I want to work, I want to swim. I want to get out of this fucking house. Please, there has to be an answer somewhere. Just tell me what it is and I'll do it. I'll do anything. Please.

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