Wednesday, 10 August 2011

Letter from sister

I got a letter from my sister today. It was a very sweet letter. She's been having a really difficult time she our conversation about my future.

I figured something like this was going on, because she'd pretty much disappeared in me. I guessed it was because she didn't know what to say to me, but it left me feeling low and abandoned, and is part of the reason why I panicked over my friend not being around the other day.

I couldn't say anything to my sis, because I understand, but at the same time I was privately angry and upset. She's due to come and visit at the weekend, though, and said she wanted to get it sorted first.

She explained and apologised for her absence, told me how much she doesn't want it to happen, but was ultimately very understanding of the situation I'm in.

I've written back, hopefully setting her mind at rest that nothing has changed and she doesn't need to feel awkward talking to me. I suspect she either fears I will want to talk about it all the time, or fears I will expect her to bring it up, neither of which is the case. I just want things back to normal, where she's someone I can rely on to cheer me up.

She was adamant in her letter that I not take any action by myself, that I shouldn't be alone at that point. That's so sweet of her, but if just the conversation, and the advanced warning has freaked her out that much, imagine what it would do to her to be there, but not be able to do anything to save me, in accordance with my wishes? I don't think that would be fair to her.

The shrinks continue to say I'm a 'low risk', though that's partly because I don't tell them everything. The fact that I'm not self-harming is another reason, apparently (it seems the urge I've felt, but resisted, to practise cutting is a known precursor). And there's the fact that when I tell them I'm thinking about it, they don't take me very seriously.

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