Friday, 12 August 2011

My sister is supposed to be coming over tomorrow. I never thought I'd say this, but I really hope she doesn't. It hurts too much to see her. It slaps me in the face with all the things I'm missing.

Last time I saw her, it made me think about all the things I wish I could do with her and the kids. All the things I'll never do.

It made me want to fight back, to find some way to beat the pain and make suicide unnecessary. But all that does is raise false hope. Because there IS no solution to the pain. There IS no other option. I'm still faced with: live with the pain, or don't live.

I was resigned to that before I saw her last time. I'd got used to the idea and it was just a question of time. But seeing her turned it all around.

So I fought back, I went back to that bloody book and I started trying to find a solution, believing that there was one out there. But there isn't. Ever since starting the book, I've had nothing but hell. Maybe it works for some people; I suspect it's just wish-fulfilment bullshit. It certainly doesn't work for me.

I don't want to fight back any more. I don't want any more therapy. I'm done. I just want to give it up and let go.

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