Shitty day

I've managed nothing today but staying alive. I suppose that given how I feel, that probably counts as a victory. But I feel too shit to be able to see it that way.

I've managed about 3 hours out of bed. I've managed to eat a bagel, and I did put away the shopping that arrived so unexpectedly. I'm freezing cold, especially my hands and feet. I've spent the whole day watching DVDs or reading, wrapped in a quilt or a heatpad. I should be eating again now, but I can't face it.

I've taken only the basic morphine so far - which would give a daily total of 70mg - plus a 10mg top-up an hour ago. That was mostly due to the pain in my back, which I know isn't real pain. Until the last half hour that's been my only pain, then my shoulder started.

I suspect I've set the initial morphine limit too low, and I'm punishing myself trying to stick to it. The average over the previous week was about 150mg, so trying to stick to 70 is probably bloody stupid. But I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know if any of this is a good idea. I think I just need to know if it's possible.

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