Thursday, 18 August 2011

Oh dear

I feel totally creeped out.

I know it's because of the huge amount of morphine I had to take before bed, but it doesn't feel that way.

I had a friend here in the evening, who I haven't seen in ages. I was nervous about seeing her, because she has lots of problems herself, and I wasn't sure how I would cope if she started talking about them.

In the event, it was actually OK. So much so that I found myself pouring my heart out to her. I told her all about the book and the problems it's caused. She's the first person I've spoken to about it, because my sister isn't good with stuff like that, and I haven't seen anyone else. I also ended up talking to her about my dad, and all the childhood issues that are plaguing me. And then there was the whingeing about my other sister.

I think it was partly practice for seeing the shrink tomorrow - I'm finding it really hard to talk about the current problems, especially to her, since I know she's lost interest. And partly it was just because I haven't had anyone to talk to for so long, and I got carried away.

But now I'm wracked by guilt and I can't sleep. I'm convinced I'vd frightened my friend away by deluging her with personal info, and I'm scared I'll never see her again.

We've never been that close - she's a friend, but not a share-secrets-friend. I think slamming her with all the torrid details of my father and my neuroses over what he and my mother did to me was way too much, far too soon.

It's probably the morphine talking, I do know that, but I can't help it. I just wish I could go to sleep. And I soooo don't want to see the shrink tomorrow. To be honest, I'd rather dig my eyes out with a spoon.

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