I was doing OK this morning, though conscious that all the feelings seemed to have been shoved down inside, out of reach again. Then a friend suggested chatting and I went to pieces (I was glad she suggested it, it was just the thought of having to talk, about anything, was unbearable).
Gradually got over that (and kind of glad to know the feelings were still there, somewhere), then this evening, again, doing OK, then all of a sudden I feel like absolute shit again. For no apparent reason.
I just want to cry and scream and tear out my eyes and scratch off my skin. It's horrible. Was it taking the final morphine of the day that did it? Another of those 'waking from the Holy-Grail-style silliness of thinking there's any kind of a solution' moments? Or something on the telly? In the crossword? I don't know.
All I know is I feel like absolute fucking shit. And it's times like these I wish I'd already just bloody done it. How long are you supposed to feel like shit for, surely there's some kind of fucking limit, if only for Human Rights purposes.
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