Friday 26 August 2011

Reality bites

Every now and again, I think I've found the Holy Grail, the Magical Answer, the Golden Cure. Something that enables me to beat the pain, to make all this go away, to get my life back.

First it was the meditiation. Then the book. Then yesterday it was my own strength of mind.

I find something and I think that's it. I get the warm and fuzzy feeling that tells me it's all over. I get all worked up and excited and I think that's it; it'll only be a couple of weeks before I'm back on my feet, back at work, back out having fun. I'll be free of the pills and the appointments and the hopelessness.

For a while it works; the pain goes down, I feel positive and hopeful. And then it all falls apart.

With the meditation, it was when I started having trouble 'going under'. With the book, it was when my past exploded back into my present. And yesterday it was when I woke up this morning.

Yesterday, after that doctor's appointment, after all the thinking and feeling, I suddenly felt really positive. It was all going to be OK. I wasn't going to let this pain rule my life any more. I wasn't going to keep chugging pills, I wasn't going to dance to it's tune any more. I was going to ignore the pain, refuse to acknowledge it, and it would go away.

That wasn't what I'd been expecting to feel; when I started writing the blog post, and I said 'I don't want to be in medicine any more, I'm done with it all', I meant that if the pills won't work, I'll pull the plug. But instead, I found myself feeling hopeful, feeling that 'being done with it' meant it would stop, not I would.

I know it sounds really naive now, but I felt like a huge weight had been lifted. All evening, I would get a sudden wash of hopefulness and I'd think back, and realise that was why. It was like the inverse of the feeling you get when you wake up and everything seems fine because you've momentarily forgotten the reality, then it crashes down on you. The divorce, the death, the life-changing accident: whatever it is, it suddenly comes back to you. This feeling was like the opposite of that one.

But then this morning, I woke up. And the pain was bad, the neck pressure was causing a screwdriver-in-the-eye, and my back was killing me. And ignoring the pain, refusing to acknowledge it, had absolutely no effect. I was still in agony and I still couldn't do anything. I had to take the pills that yesterday I'd been convinced I would never have to see again.

And suddenly, nothing has changed. Suddenly, I'm back where I was yesterday morning. I back in bed, drugged and feeling like shit. And there's no waking up from it.

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