Sunday, 28 August 2011

Have I got it all backwards?

It's another day where the pain won't stop, despite the morphine.

I took 20mg at 7.30am, 30mg at 11am, 15mg top-up at 2pm and I've just taken 30mg. Apart from the top-up, all of it was scheduled. But the pain is still horrendous, to the point that I can't even get out of bed.

I already feel very sick. There seems no point taking any more morphine - if it hasn't done anything so far, it's not likely to. Not till I'm completely shit-faced and throwing up, anyway. Which makes me wonder why I'm taking the fucking stuff in the first place?

If I'm going to be in pain anyway, maybe I'd be better off without the nausea and the stoned-ness?

Or is it that the morphine does numb it down some, and I'd be way worse without it? That's what I thought when it was so bad last week, when I genuinely felt it was morphine or suicide. But I'm starting to wonder.

Let's face it. The current approach isn't working, is it? I'm house-bound, bed-bound a lot of the time. Is there any, any chance that popping all these pills is making it worse not better?

Maybe before I take the final plunge, before I give up on everything, maybe I should try and see? It might mean I could get back to work. I could drive over to see my sister. I could find some reason to carry on living.

Or am I just having another 'Holy Grail' moment?

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