For some reason, the torrent of emotions switched itself off on Thursday night. I'd been crying uncontrollably all day following the shrink appointment. Late on, I suddenly realised that I didn't actually know what I was crying about. I asked myself - and the crying stopped. Just stopped; I no longer felt like crying. It felt like a relief at the time, but now it's clear it's a disaster in disguise.
Yesterday, I was OK mentally (physically still shit - triple morphine at lunchtime for the past three days, or I'd be necking top-ups like Smarties).
In the evening, though, I felt weird. I was jittery and jumpy, I wanted to gorge on junk food, scratch my skin off, pick spots, shop, shop, shop. I couldn't rest. But I couldn't cry either. None of the emotion would come out.
I tried doing the list-work from the book - nothing. I tried 'being with the feelings' - zilch. I couldn't get at the feelings. It was like a boil - getting bigger and sorer by the minute.
And it's happening again today, and I have no idea what to do about it. I'm giving serious thought to taking up smoking, in the hope it would give me occasional moments of feeling good, even if they were a chemically-induced fake high.
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